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May 21, 2012 / dlw43

You guys, you guys, you guys, you guys, you guys

Here’s something amazing. It’s by Laura Jayne Martin.

Tell Me Something About Yourself

Tell me something about yourself.

Are you afraid of people who are afraid of snakes?

Do you like reading? Do you like it so much that you do it when no one else is around?  I don’t want to bother you, but would you mind telling me about some books, or preferably some 500-word articles, you have read recently and find interesting? Actually, don’t tell me about the article at all. Just communicate your opinions about it, sans facts, and exactly how it relates to your life, or how it is totally different from your experience. You know what, forget about 500-words. Instead, simply give me one-to-five words pasted over a ridiculous, hopefully animated, picture. Just let that represent the entirety of your well-considered, subtle, complex and learned opinion on the matter.

How many babies do you have? One, or two, or several? Do you have zero, but want to have a lot with, say, Justin Bieber? This information is vital. Would you be willing to send me some pictures of either? Is there more? Send as many as you have.

Oh, oh! Speaking of pictures, I’m also trying to track down any and all photographs of meals, snacks, or beverages people who I know (or who I do not know) have consumed in the last year. Ideally, they would be heavily-filtered, but honestly, I’ll take whatever you’ve got.

I’m wondering if you have any opinions about any of the latest people. What do you think of the newest crazes, songs, films, or people who think about the newest crazes, songs, films? For the love of God Almighty, won’t someone, anyone, tell me their personal viewpoint on singer/actress Zooey Deschanel? She seems like the best or the worst or the medium, whatever it is it’s obvious.

And are you doing something later? Or are you doing nothing? And is the idea of you doing nothing hilarious because you usually do a lot of things, which gives you the confidence to winkingly let people know about this exception? I think that’s cool.

Or, are you actually doing something? Are you, for instance, going to a bar, a show, or a birthday party? If so, would you mind letting me know somehow when you get there?  I’m most eager to know the following: the address of any establishments you plan to visit/visit/visited, if you will have/are having/had fun, any other items about people I haven’t met (their names just sound cool) and if you have a hangover. If you have a hangover please describe it in great detail. I invite you to do this because, and this is just me guessing, most likely, however bad you feel now directly relates to however much fun you had at your event. I’ve been wondering for a while how much fun you have, so this would help me clear things up.

Also, have you just realized something? I’d like to know if what you’ve realized is a universal truth. I may be older than you and, if so, I’m interested to hear how younger generations are finally figuring it out for everyone. But if I’m younger than you, can it. You’re probably just bitter about how my generation realized all those universal truths after you idiots just bumbled around in the dark until we arrived.

Do you want to come over and watch some television with me? Or better yet, just stay where you are and watch the same show that I’m watching alone in my apartment, alone in your apartment. The only thing is, I want to know what you think about each plot device and certain lines of dialogue — so try to remember all of that and tell me at some point. Don’t forget about the commercials.

You guys, you guys, you guys, you guys, you guys — do you have any topical quips?

I have some, and they’re mostly about malapropisms, award shows, New York City life, or Snapple products. But enough about me, will you share some of yours with me? Maybe something happened on your commute, or on a line, or on a line to get to your commute. Is it in any way possible that some extremely limited aspect of your life is like a small detail of a TV show? Would you mind expounding on that fact, in a way which highlights the irony of this particular situation?

Are you a food truck? If so, where are you now? How about now? How about now? Same place? One block north? I know I’m miles away at work, but I’d just rather know than not know, you know?

Do you have any famous quotations that you can tell me? Hopefully, they are the kind that let me know something about what’s going on in your life, vis-à-vis the application of the quote topic and keywords to potential situations that you are facing. Do you mind if I rank them mentally according to their presumed likelihood, and then just think about what you may or may not be going through? By the way, it’s better if these quotes are taken entirely out of context, but I don’t mind if they’re misattributed.

I know almost everyone has weighed in on the current political issue, but I’m guessing you have something pretty intriguing to say about it. And if I know you, it’ll be tilling fresh ground. You just get it. And that’s more than I can say for those jokers in power/not in power/who will never be in power.

Okay, this is the last thing. I know it’s going to sound weird. I guess this is just me being me, but I really want to know about your romantic relationship(s). If you don’t mind, please don’t tell me or ask me for any advice about them. Mainly, I am wondering if you have any obtuse song lyrics excerpts that I can decode for the answer.

Fine, I know you’re busy. I’ll let you go with the reminder to please, please take an extra camera’s worth of snapshots on your next vacation. I’d like to pore over them when you return. C’mon, please! Why not? Will you at least make sure you keep me posted about any co-workers you dislike or weird dreams you’ve had recently? No? I need it. I’m begging! At the very least, will you constantly alert me to your current music tastes via Youtube videos? I’d like ten a day, minimum. You have to give me something.

I mean, #youhavetogivemesomething.

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